Can I be homesick for a place that was only my home for a year?
I had a dream today during an entirely too long afternoon nap (it's my day off) about being back in Durango. I was overjoyed to be back. Sometimes I have incredibly vivid dreams and this was one of them. During the dream I took a deep breath and felt the cool, crisp, DRY (it is so stinking humid here!) mountain air. It felt incredible.
How I miss the sights, sounds, and excitement. Like I talked about in a previous post, there is something exciting about being somewhere so new and different. Then again, the newness of a bear made me more scared than I have ever been one night last fall! It's funny that I miss Durango so much when I wasn't all that happy the majority of the time I was there. Went through some definite personal struggles and was horribly lonely during the off season, but for some reason I want to be back. I miss the church and the relationships I was building there. I wanted to start cycling and try new adventures and get out and meet more people. There is such a variety of people there it's always fun to meet someone new. I feel like if I went back I would do better ... get out and meet more people, get involved, take chances, not miss out on all that Durango and Colorado have to offer.
I love this job and love the people here, but Colorado was a dream, and although it was fulfilled in a sense, since I lived there, I still long for it, so maybe it wasn't completely fulfilled. I loved living in Colorado. Period. I loved being out of the midwest! I didn't love being so far away from family, but it was survivable.
Why am I never satisfied!??!?! I wasn't satisfied when I was there, but I miss it. Wasn't satisfied in college, but I'd like to go back and do it over because I feel like now I could do it better. Wasn't satisfied in Indy ... at least I don't feel like going back there!!! Why can't I ever get things right the first time around!??!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
A Broken Spirit
I expressed to a friend today how I have been feeling. Here it is:
I'm good from the outside, but not from the inside. Things are fine, but I have found my attitude to be really negative lately. I get annoyed at everything and want to smack most ppl I talk to. I feel like I don't have a warm, loving heart, and my connection to God is lacking, so I want to take a step back and reprioritize. I hope that makes sense, I find that to some it doesn't. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me either, but I know I don't like who I am and want to improve and nothing improves by keeping everything the same!
Part of his response:
I don't know but it kind of seems like Jeff (made up name) really broke your spirit out there in CO and you've been trying to get back to where you were before that ever since. Eh? I wish you never had to go through all that drama that you had to go through with him. That was such a tough position for you and I'm sure you're probably still dealing with that to this day. That sucks if you are.
Is it possible that another person broke my spirit? I still feel guilt for my sin, can't believe my own stupidity, and doubt the person I am because of the things I did. I feel incredible guilt for what I put him through and believe that him being near death right now, if he is even still alive, is partly my fault. If only I had been upfront and hadn't let things drag out, he wouldn't have been in the position he was and wouldn't delayed his doctor appointments for 4-5 months and maybe they would have caught it soon enough. How could I have caused one person so much pain? So much hurt, physical and emotional? So much devastation? His family, his kids, his job, his everything. I ruined it all. How? Why? What if it happens again? Is he even alive? How could I have done this ...
Why do people keep telling me that one day I will understand the world? That I just don't get it, that my head is in the sand. How is me trying to take a step back and reprioritize having my head in the sand?!?!? I am trying to improve myself because I know the person I am now doesn't have the heart to do much good in the world. My head is completely out of the sand, maybe more than it ever has been. As much as it hurts horribly and I spend a lot of time in tears, maybe I am finally hitting bottom so I can see what I need to change?
Life isn't about what happens to you, its about how you handle what happens to you. So if my spirit is broken, well, that's a bummer. Now, Michelle, stop whining and FIX IT! But how? Duct tape? Is there an instruction book on this? I know you're going to say read the Bible, but where? That is a big book if you hadn't noticed! I just don't know what to do. I don't dwell on what happened with Jeff all the time, but I wonder if it has changed me in ways that I don't even realize. I hadn't thought of my 'broken spirit' because of that situation until it was pointed out to me and though I do think there is some truth to that, I don't want to blame my situation on another person. My life is mine and if its going all wrong, it's my fault.
I'm a different person today than I was a month ago. Why? What happened? I can't put my finger on it and that's what bothers me. So maybe it has nothing to do with Jeff. I feel crushed, knocked over, and held down. I wonder if it's from being overworked. For the past month I haven't had more than a day off, which is never a full day off, I always come in to the office for something. I don't get weekends off, so I miss out on the true Saturday+Sunday relaxation time. I live where I work, so I never escape the thought of work and although I love my job, I think the stress of it and the constant contact with people I have to please, people I have to impress, and people I have to instruct is just more than this girl knows how to handle.
I'd write more but I'm just plain exhausted and want my bed.
Mich
I'm good from the outside, but not from the inside. Things are fine, but I have found my attitude to be really negative lately. I get annoyed at everything and want to smack most ppl I talk to. I feel like I don't have a warm, loving heart, and my connection to God is lacking, so I want to take a step back and reprioritize. I hope that makes sense, I find that to some it doesn't. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me either, but I know I don't like who I am and want to improve and nothing improves by keeping everything the same!
Part of his response:
I don't know but it kind of seems like Jeff (made up name) really broke your spirit out there in CO and you've been trying to get back to where you were before that ever since. Eh? I wish you never had to go through all that drama that you had to go through with him. That was such a tough position for you and I'm sure you're probably still dealing with that to this day. That sucks if you are.
Is it possible that another person broke my spirit? I still feel guilt for my sin, can't believe my own stupidity, and doubt the person I am because of the things I did. I feel incredible guilt for what I put him through and believe that him being near death right now, if he is even still alive, is partly my fault. If only I had been upfront and hadn't let things drag out, he wouldn't have been in the position he was and wouldn't delayed his doctor appointments for 4-5 months and maybe they would have caught it soon enough. How could I have caused one person so much pain? So much hurt, physical and emotional? So much devastation? His family, his kids, his job, his everything. I ruined it all. How? Why? What if it happens again? Is he even alive? How could I have done this ...
Why do people keep telling me that one day I will understand the world? That I just don't get it, that my head is in the sand. How is me trying to take a step back and reprioritize having my head in the sand?!?!? I am trying to improve myself because I know the person I am now doesn't have the heart to do much good in the world. My head is completely out of the sand, maybe more than it ever has been. As much as it hurts horribly and I spend a lot of time in tears, maybe I am finally hitting bottom so I can see what I need to change?
Life isn't about what happens to you, its about how you handle what happens to you. So if my spirit is broken, well, that's a bummer. Now, Michelle, stop whining and FIX IT! But how? Duct tape? Is there an instruction book on this? I know you're going to say read the Bible, but where? That is a big book if you hadn't noticed! I just don't know what to do. I don't dwell on what happened with Jeff all the time, but I wonder if it has changed me in ways that I don't even realize. I hadn't thought of my 'broken spirit' because of that situation until it was pointed out to me and though I do think there is some truth to that, I don't want to blame my situation on another person. My life is mine and if its going all wrong, it's my fault.
I'm a different person today than I was a month ago. Why? What happened? I can't put my finger on it and that's what bothers me. So maybe it has nothing to do with Jeff. I feel crushed, knocked over, and held down. I wonder if it's from being overworked. For the past month I haven't had more than a day off, which is never a full day off, I always come in to the office for something. I don't get weekends off, so I miss out on the true Saturday+Sunday relaxation time. I live where I work, so I never escape the thought of work and although I love my job, I think the stress of it and the constant contact with people I have to please, people I have to impress, and people I have to instruct is just more than this girl knows how to handle.
I'd write more but I'm just plain exhausted and want my bed.
Mich
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