A Broken Spirit

I expressed to a friend today how I have been feeling. Here it is:

I'm good from the outside, but not from the inside. Things are fine, but I have found my attitude to be really negative lately. I get annoyed at everything and want to smack most ppl I talk to. I feel like I don't have a warm, loving heart, and my connection to God is lacking, so I want to take a step back and reprioritize. I hope that makes sense, I find that to some it doesn't. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me either, but I know I don't like who I am and want to improve and nothing improves by keeping everything the same!

Part of his response:
I don't know but it kind of seems like Jeff (made up name) really broke your spirit out there in CO and you've been trying to get back to where you were before that ever since. Eh? I wish you never had to go through all that drama that you had to go through with him. That was such a tough position for you and I'm sure you're probably still dealing with that to this day. That sucks if you are.

Is it possible that another person broke my spirit? I still feel guilt for my sin, can't believe my own stupidity, and doubt the person I am because of the things I did. I feel incredible guilt for what I put him through and believe that him being near death right now, if he is even still alive, is partly my fault. If only I had been upfront and hadn't let things drag out, he wouldn't have been in the position he was and wouldn't delayed his doctor appointments for 4-5 months and maybe they would have caught it soon enough. How could I have caused one person so much pain? So much hurt, physical and emotional? So much devastation? His family, his kids, his job, his everything. I ruined it all. How? Why? What if it happens again? Is he even alive? How could I have done this ...

Why do people keep telling me that one day I will understand the world? That I just don't get it, that my head is in the sand. How is me trying to take a step back and reprioritize having my head in the sand?!?!? I am trying to improve myself because I know the person I am now doesn't have the heart to do much good in the world. My head is completely out of the sand, maybe more than it ever has been. As much as it hurts horribly and I spend a lot of time in tears, maybe I am finally hitting bottom so I can see what I need to change?

Life isn't about what happens to you, its about how you handle what happens to you. So if my spirit is broken, well, that's a bummer. Now, Michelle, stop whining and FIX IT! But how? Duct tape? Is there an instruction book on this? I know you're going to say read the Bible, but where? That is a big book if you hadn't noticed! I just don't know what to do. I don't dwell on what happened with Jeff all the time, but I wonder if it has changed me in ways that I don't even realize. I hadn't thought of my 'broken spirit' because of that situation until it was pointed out to me and though I do think there is some truth to that, I don't want to blame my situation on another person. My life is mine and if its going all wrong, it's my fault.

I'm a different person today than I was a month ago. Why? What happened? I can't put my finger on it and that's what bothers me. So maybe it has nothing to do with Jeff. I feel crushed, knocked over, and held down. I wonder if it's from being overworked. For the past month I haven't had more than a day off, which is never a full day off, I always come in to the office for something. I don't get weekends off, so I miss out on the true Saturday+Sunday relaxation time. I live where I work, so I never escape the thought of work and although I love my job, I think the stress of it and the constant contact with people I have to please, people I have to impress, and people I have to instruct is just more than this girl knows how to handle.

I'd write more but I'm just plain exhausted and want my bed.
Mich